In the time since my previous post, I’ve found myself struggling with the challenges of each passing day. While I strive to maintain a positive tone in my writing, the truth is, not every week brings brightness. Some weeks are simply tough, and that was definitely something I had to deal with in my last entry.

The persistence of my illness, coupled with the relentless brain fog and excruciating pain, has left me grappling with how to articulate my thoughts for this post and process the last few weeks. I set myself the goal of writing something new weekly, but for this to be real, I need to do it when it’s right for me without the pressure of adhering to a schedule.

Despite my efforts to put on a brave front, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to hide my struggles in these posts. Nightmares have become a haunting presence in my nights—suffocating, heart-wrenching episodes filled with unexplained fear. Though I can’t explain the reasons for these, they force me to confront the anxieties lurking within my mind.

2 weeks ago marked the passing of my auntie, a pivotal figure in shaping who I am today. Despite my best attempts, I had to acknowledge my inability to attend her funeral due to my declining health. I just couldn’t travel and my body wouldn’t cope. Somehow watching from a laptop screen as a final farewell just wasn’t quite the same. There was no reminiscing with my family or talking about fond memories. I sat home alone, disconnected from those I love. A harsh reality of my limitations. This has undoubtedly been one of the toughest challenges I’ve faced thus far.

I’ve also recently found I’m shutting off and pulling away from those around me. I suppose it’s easier to just hide away and deal with the agony alone. I find myself torn between longing to plan summer outings with friends and the uncertainty of my health. I see the sun shining outside and I want to be out there enjoying every moment. I don’t want to make plans and ruin it for everyone else, why should they be limited because of me? I get angry at myself when I get to the end of a weekend and all I’ve done is sleep. I continue to frustrate myself with these conflicting feelings and overthinking absolutely everything.

With the emotional strain the last few weeks, I’ve tried to push myself a little more to break free from the cocoon of my bed. Venturing out to the garden centre and going out for meals to restaurants. This may seem trivial to some, but for me, these small trips have been the light I’ve needed to pierce through the darkness I lose myself in. Surrounded by the warmth and support of cherished loved ones, I’ve found moments of solace in their company, reminding myself that I am not alone in this journey.

Of course, I am acutely aware of the limitations my body imposes, and I tread carefully to avoid overexertion. However, I’ve come to realise that within these brief respites lies fleeting moments of joy amid the pain and I’ve learned to treasure these. So, while I may not need to push myself, I’ll continue to seize every opportunity to savour life’s simple pleasures and the moments that bring a smile to my face.

Whilst this post isn’t my most detailed or in depth it’s an important reminder to myself that I’m still fighting. So, while the temptation to retreat into the safety of my comfort zone looms large, I am resolved to grasp onto every opportunity that presents itself – whether it’s a spontaneous outing or a quiet moment of reflection – I’m still finding joy in the positive things I do, and I’ll continue to try and find moments to smile about.