Judgements.

We’ve felt them. We’ve dealt them.

We’ve all been judged at some point in our lives. But we’re also guilty of judging others too, well, at least I know I am.

You know what I mean. Those moments where you see someone and your brain instantly makes a snap decision about them. Sometimes we don’t even realise we’re doing it, it just happens.

But what about when judgement goes too far? When it stops being harmless thoughts and turns into cruelty?

I guess in some ways I’m used to being judged. The staring. The whispering. All of it. Most of the time I try to let it go over my head. I laugh it off, make jokes about myself, sometimes even confront it, (although very rarely).

I used to hate having a walking stick. I dreaded what people thought when they saw me in public. Looking back now, it feels ridiculous that I cared so much about complete strangers who knew absolutely nothing about me.

I remember when I had those tubes. Those ugly little worms hanging out of my nose for everyone to see. They were only temporary and they were there to help, but that didn’t stop people staring. And I don’t mean the trying-to-be-subtle kind either, I mean just openly staring. People saw someone different to stare at but they didn’t understand my discomfort, both physically and mentally.

I was only queueing for a coffee, but in that moment I wanted to go home and hide away. It wasn’t permanent, but it still made an impact on my day. Ruined it.

And honestly, I do understand that sometimes people stare because they’re curious. Our eyes are naturally drawn to someone who looks different. The brain starts trying to fill in the blanks, making up its own conclusions before we even realise it.

I try to remember that I’ve probably done the same thing myself before. I try to understand it.

But sometimes, I just can’t.

How do you explain standing in a shop and hearing giggles beside you? You expect silly little girls, not teenagers old enough to know better. Although maybe age doesn’t really matter. Cruelty is cruelty.

Usually I tell myself to ignore it. I’ve dealt with worse. But sometimes, on the wrong day, even something small can break you more than you’d expect.

Because you don’t ever expect to hear: “eww don’t get too close, what if you catch what that is?” “That” being me. Me and my walking stick standing there just doing my shopping. Cue the point, the laughter and a lot of eyes suddenly on me. Everyone feeling too awkward to say anything, instead they unknowingly become part of it. Just staring. The humiliation, the hurt.

Like I was something dirty. Something to avoid. Something to laugh at. All because my body doesn’t work the same way theirs does. All because I’m not “normal”.

But I am normal. I’m a person. A real person with actual feelings.

People never really know what someone else is carrying. They don’t see the pain, the frustration, the grieving that can come with losing parts of your old life. So is it really worth it for a laugh?

I know they were just a small-minded group of girls, but that doesn’t mean the words don’t stick. Sometimes it hurts no matter who says it.

It took me a long time to come to terms with my life as it is now. And honestly, I still am. Some days I still have to take things one step at a time, and sometimes even that feels impossible.

But slowly, I stopped hiding my walking stick in photos. I stopped talking about “when I’m better” like my life was waiting to begin again.

Because I am still me. My capabilities have changed, but my worth hasn’t.

There’s so much I can’t do anymore, but there’s also so much I still can. So instead of obsessing over the life I used to have, I started making the most of the life I do have. I made memories. I filled my days with support, love and laughter.

I’m trying really hard to keep pushing forward, but moments like this can make that difficult.

Because sometimes we forget that the things we move on from in seconds can stay with someone else for days, weeks, even years. A stare. A laugh. A comment thrown out for fun. We might not remember saying it, but the person hearing it probably will.

I know I can’t stop people judging. The truth is, we all do it sometimes. We’ve all felt judgement and we’ve all dealt it too. But there’s a difference between noticing someone’s differences and making them feel ashamed for them.

So if I can leave anything with this post, it’s this: be kind.

You never really know what someone is carrying just to make it through their day, or what battles they’re fighting that they can’t simply walk away from.